You might have looked at this title and thought to yourself “This does not make sense!” How could something as wholesome and healthy as self-care be “toxic?” Especially coming from a Family Nurse Practitioner with 20 years of experience who you would think would be advocating for self-care. I get it. Let me explain.
You cannot browse the Internet or flip through a stack of women’s magazines without seeing repeated references to the importance of self-care. People use the term in reference to diet, exercise, manicures, girls’ weekends, eye creams, napping, and more. On its own, any one of these sounds great, so how can the term “toxic” be associated with caring for yourself?
“Toxic” Self-Care is when we use a checklist of tasks created by others to determine our success and worth. When we are unable to regularly check off all those boxes, we find ourselves struggling with guilt and shame. These two feelings trigger unworthiness and a lack of self-love. For instance, we all know we should nourish our bodies with healthy foods. We all know that we should get exercise. We all know we should get adequate sleep at night. We also know that we should be meditating and drinking plenty of water each day. But what happens when we don’t?
There are two main problems with this type of thinking:
First, taking care of real human needs does not belong in the same category as getting a manicure. Why? Take away any one of the pillars of real human health and longevity, and the whole house of cards will collapse. For instance, you cannot drink extra water, and skip sleep. You cannot avoid exercise indefinitely (even brisk walks, or ‘moving your body’ as I like to say) and not impact the body. Each of the pieces of meeting real human needs works in concert with the others. These are not things to “fit in” to your day.
Second, notice the overuse of the word “should.” So often, we are driven by guilt, internal pressures and old programming (by parents, society, peers, one of those pesky Kardashians, etc) to live up to an abundance of “shoulds” and “should nots.” But what happens in a week when we’re completely overwhelmed, and our sleep or eating habits suffer? We can feel haunted by the thoughts that these things define us as being somehow unsuccessful at accomplishing our self-care. That because we are not able to perform it perfectly we end up back in a space of shame and guilt. For instance, I know I should exercise, but maybe I’m having an off week and I’m feeling run down and tired. So, do I push myself to the point of exhaustion, or struggle with the guilt for kicking back on the couch and watching "Schitt’s Creek?"
What really needs to be acknowledged here is the fact that I have overscheduled myself and put too much pressure on myself to perform perfectly in my various roles: My career, my marriage, taking care of my children, making sure the dog gets fed, etc. In this well-known scenario I have left out adequate time for meeting basic physiological needs and for downtime. And rest. And hobbies. And for the things that bring me joy. When I am not finding time in my schedule to meet my own basic needs and wants, the bigger question that needs addressing is why? Why am I not prioritizing myself?
To truly live a life in which we don’t need to jam a to-do list of “must accomplish” self-care tasks to “do it right”, perhaps we should spend more time figuring out what we truly want and need. What we want our lives to look like. For instance, do we want to be overscheduled? Do we need to be on that committee at work? Do my kids need to be in 17 sports? Can we ask for more help around the house instead of trying to be a 1950’s Betty Crocker-loving housewife while we add in the pressures of a career? Can we normalize being the mom who shows up with cupcakes from the grocery store without shame because we didn’t create a Pinterest worthy spread?
Self-care can look like ignoring your children and zoning out on TikTok. It can look like setting boundaries with your energy and time. It can look like saying “no” without the need to follow up with an excuse or apology. It can look like asking for help and accepting it. It can look like ignoring your email. It can look like living your life joyfully, unapologetically, and authentically.
For true self care is being gentle with yourself. It is giving yourself the grace you so freely give to others. It is making your needs AND your wants a priority. It is envisioning and creating a life that you do not need to escape from or slather with eye cream.
You don’t need to do the burpees, lose the weight, get the raise, organize the closet, or make dinner first. You are worthy, and you are enough NOW exactly as you are. Start your self-care there. You are worth it. You deserve it.
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